A million idiots with laptops enter, one idiot with a broken, beer-soaked laptop and a fractured skull leaves. This battle is waged to see who can create the most chaos and end the most lives armed with nothing but a computer. The prize for victory? Another notch in the discogs.com belt.
Each combatant can only use a laptop or desktop computer. No gear, no turntables, no cd mixers, and no traditional instruments are permitted. After what can only be described as an obscene amount of bitching by a few combatants, microphones are now permitted. All combatants must be prepared to plug into the RCA input jacks on a standard mixer. Each combatant may prepare any amount of material ahead of time and use any software they want, although combatants are encouraged to improvise or create material on the fly. Using material from other artists is grounds for removal: this rule is potentially misleading since samples can be used. Bottomline: this is not a Traktor battle, so make your own shit.

The battle is divided into 3 rounds: the opening round, the semi-final round, and the final round. All combatants who enter will get one shot in the opening round. When it is their turn, they will have 5 minutes to annihilate the audience. There will be 2 tables setup: while one combatant is playing, the next combatant will be setting up, so as soon as the person in front of you is done, you're on the clock. No matter how many people enter, only the top 4 from the opening round will move on to the semi-final round. All combatants in the semi-final will play once and again have 5 minutes to play. The top 2 from the semi-final round move on to the final round. In the final round, combatants will have 10 minutes to play. Although there is no rule against a combatant playing the same material each round, that is pretty damn boring, so combatants are encouraged to play different material each round.

The winner of the final round will receive a 7" record release on No Room for Talent Records. The 7" will be limited to 300 copies on color or black vinyl. Greg Trash from No Room for Talent Records will coordinate with the winner about this record after the event. To avoid as much procrastination as possible, each contestant should bring along a demo in the form of a data cdr with each track in uncompressed .wav format (NOT mp3 or Real audio) with their address, email, and phone number on it. All losers are welcome to drown their sorrow in alcohol.

There will be 4 judges, Greg Trash, CEO of No Room for Talent Records, Dave 8cylinder, bumbling gaffer of rhinoplex.org, Machine, New Brunswick's finest, and a mystery judge who will remain nameless until the battle begins. All judges' decisions are final. Each round, all combatants will be judged using the following criteria:

- DESTRUCTIVENESS: This is determined by how well you made people get up, holler, pump their fists and/or smash things*. Getting the crowd to just gently bob their heads or feel your "soulful groove" is not only lame, it isn't worth any points. Breakcore, hardcore, and speedcore are what's called for. Playing well-produced techno, drum and bass, trance, house, or downtempo idm will result in zero points and possibly the bum's rush.

* Like everyone involved in this event, you probably suck. But your chances of fooling the judges into thinking you're awesome will greatly increase if you bring along a bunch of friends to get rowdy, scream, dance, and go nuts when you play. "Remember the three B's of breakcore: Bribe, Blow, and Beat some ass to make people dance"
- Greg Trash, circa 2005

- ORIGINALITY/CREATIVITY: This is a measure of how well your shitty music stood out from the other shitty music.

- PRESENTATION: Everyone has to look at you while you're playing, so do something. Get naked. Do a skit. Anything. The more you distract everyone from your awful music, the more points you get. If you look like you're checking your email during your lunch break at work, you're going to do terrible.

Cockmongler (PA)
Chris Decay (OH)
Empty Head (PA)
Relative Q (PA)
Shatterbreak (parts unknown)
Doverspike (PA)
In Broken Key (OH)
Mike N' Ike Jones (PA)
9mm (OH)
Geoff Cutups (PA)
Ctrl Alt Del (OH)
Justin Malesky (PA)

This will be taking place at Z Lounge (formerly Zythos) 2108 East Carson Street, Pittsburgh PA at 9PM. 21 and over, proper ID required. $5. Combatants get in for free, so if you want a chance to get your shit on vinyl and skirt the cover charge, contact Dave 8cylinder to throw your hat in the ring.